Voice and Choice

Voice and Choice are two “things” that victims lose in an abusive relationship. A large component of abuse is making you feel “less than.” Your opinion doesn’t matter to the abusive partner. Your concerns, fears, hurts, and even joys don’t matter to them. And not only is your voice not valued, but often it may be ridiculed or silenced. So why even voice your opinions, feelings, or goals?

The power and control at the heart of abuse renders your choice ineffectual, irrelevant, and pointless. Sometimes simply the information that you would prefer something or “choose” a particular direction/plan/activity/restaurant seems to assure the abusive person will force a different path to exert their control over you and the relationship.

Let’s look at this concept from another direction: I feel small. Does that thought resonate? Can you feel that statement? “Feeling small” is not a byproduct of abuse - it is an intentional goal of abuse. An abusive person wants you to feel small. They intentionally diminish who you are. They intentionally detract from your accomplishments. They intentionally dismiss your feelings, concerns, plans, and goals.

Making yourself small and feeling small are other ways of saying you have lost voice and choice. For victims of relational abuse, this is a well-honed skill. It may be part freeze response/part fawn response - and it is all your nervous system’s way of helping you survive to this point. Please don’t shame yourself for that. But if you are in safe relationships now, that skill no longer serves you.

When I first became aware of my Window of Tolerance, I began to identify how different emotions and experiences felt in my body. For me, feeling small feels similar to experiencing shame. Smallness and shame don’t feel exactly the same, but if I can recognize the possibility of shame, I am able to tease out the feeling of smallness. I felt this on a plane when I was confused and an attendant singled me out during the boarding process. I slumped down in my seat and desperately wanted to disappear. I could feel I was dysregulated, so I took a couple of deep breaths and worked to name what I was feeling. I felt a little shame, but as I evaluated the situation I didn’t feel flawed or “stupid” – those thoughts go with shame for me. What was I feeling? I felt “less than” a passenger near me who had observed my airplane faux pas. There it was…I felt small! With that information, I knew how to re-regulate myself.

So what do you do if you feel small? When you notice yourself feeling small, wanting to shrink, or trying to blend in and disappear, consider your environment for just a second. See if you can identify why your body is perceiving a lack of safety… that's what making yourself small means. If you feel small, consider these three possibilities:

1) You recognize that your body is sensing the flavor of something from the past, but you realize you actually are safe. After taking several slow, deep breaths, look around where you’re at. Count five things you can see, four things you can hear, three things you can touch, two things you can smell…this is a wonderful grounding exercise! It will remind you of where you are RIGHT NOW. Your body may feel like you are in a previous situation that was unsafe, but being aware of your current environment should provide cues of safety. Now, can you sit up a little taller or stand a little straighter? That may sound too simple, but please try it. Your taller, straighter, “bigger” physical posture can remind your body that you are safe.

2) There is a lack of safety where you're at and you choose to leave that environment. It’s a big deal just to remind yourself that you actually have a choice! The old behaviors from when you felt small and powerless can crop up as soon as your body senses a lack of safety. Gently remind yourself that you have the power to leave. A note here is if you are not able to leave safely, please begin to find resources to help you create a safety plan for the next time this happens.

3) You remain in the potential lack of safety and make a tiny cognitive choice to take up space. It may be that you sit up tall when you realize what you really want to do is kind of slump or hunch. It may be that you calmly tell someone you don't agree with what they just said. A mature adult should be OK with you saying that you don't agree with them. A history of abuse makes this seem unsafe – because it was! But healthy people can remain regulated and respectful when someone disagrees with them. If you voice your opinion and the environment becomes unsafe physically or emotionally, you have choice and can call a time out or leave the conversation.

If you are in a relationship in which you feel small, please step back and take a look at what is going on. Do you make yourself small because it doesn’t feel safe to take up space? Or are you in the habit of making yourself small because of a past relationship that was unsafe? This is a powerful piece of self-awareness. No shame if this tendency helped you survive in the past…in healthy relationships you feel the freedom to show up with ALL of yourself!

Begin to pay attention to this concept throughout your day. Notice if you feel small or try to make yourself small. That is a huge step of growth! When you recognize you are feeling small, notice where you feel it in your body and how it feels in your body. Recognize the signs that you are shrinking yourself and trying to disappear. Living out healing and wholeness are possible, and it starts with becoming aware of when you shrink or edit yourself. Begin to look at your relationships: are you giving up voice or choice? If you have been in an abusive relationship for years, living without voice and choice becomes “normal.” But God has given you your own voice, and healthy people want to hear what you have in your heart! And you can make choices that align with your values and bring meaning and joy to your life!